a new life

If any of you were (which I highly doubt) to read my journal you'd be considerably surprised to find many places only half written in or my entry going from present tense to past tense suddenly, or you'd find several days missing suddenly. You see, the hardest thing about a journal was coming back from an eventful day and writing half the entry, and yet eventually getting too tired to continue and fall asleep. And then the next day- which also happened to be an eventful day, (trust me, it's not that hard to have an eventful day when you're an MK ); and I feel obligated to finish the last day before starting the current one and slowly over the week I fall back until I realise I'm 4 days behind... You can see why I don't like writing about the long gone past. And now is that I'm writing a blog entry to something that happened 2 months ago. Problem. However, the least I can do is have a good begin to my blog; so here goes. I left Senegal, W. Africa; it was a Thursday and the 17th of July. For the last week everything just didn't feel real; It felt like I was only going on a furlough trip - that I'd, in the next 3 months, land again safely on African soil and belong once more. And then 3 hours before our car was due to leave, it hit me. This is it. It's happening... there's no turning back, I'm going to have to ride the wave to the shore. Tonight ends an era; a chapter of my life. A new page that I'll have to trust the Lord will write. Many thoughts zoomed through my head those last hours. But most of all, memories. Memories of years back, everything I see is associated with some memory of the past. The people I met, and left. The actions, the laughs, the tears, the dreams and the games at our retreats. And that's what I will miss most - being reminded of my life. Looking back on those moments I can only describe the feeling as anxiety and regret. It is the identical feeling that I have before the large concert recital, or just before a long and hard competitive race. "I wish this wasn't happening!". You can't eat, sleep and even trying to distract yourself doesn't work. But it happened... it wasn't a bad dream; even though everything felt slightly unreal, and then sitting in the plane knowing that my life has changed - that it will never be like it was. What a powerful feeling! And what a scary reality. But, in all of this I had a divine peace about everything. Time and time again my Lord has proven himself faithful, even when I've forsaken and denied him like Peter. And one thing has really encouraging through out the months of re-entry. Through the chaos, I hold onto the fact that I am a stranger in this world. I do not belong here; I belong in a better place. And one day, one amazing day I fill fade away from this earth and begin my last ever re-entry - and that re-entry won't be difficult or hard in any way, but beautiful. That makes the difference for me. And while living forever, and no more sickness and pain excites me immensely; I think that the most special thing for me is love. One of my absolute favorite bands is Hillsong United and one song that has really... excited me is the song called "Where the love lasts forever":

Your mercy found me,
Upon the broken road,
And lifted me beyond my failing,
Into Your glory,
My sin and shame dissolved,
And now forever Yours I'll stand.

In love never to end,
To call You more than Lord,
Glorious friend.

So I throw my life upon all You are,
'Cause I know You gave it all for me,
And when all else fades,
My soul will dance with You,
Where the love lasts forever

Yes, God loves us the same now as He will when we are with him. But in heaven I believe that we will finally understand the full extent of his love; something that on earth we just cannot fathom. And to think that his love will last forever and ever; and the knowledge that not only does Christ love us, but also our brothers and sisters in Christ! Wow! Love that Christ showed on the cross, clearly visible for our now opened eyes to see. And that is why I call my blog 'longing for home'. This is my hope and strength and I truly can't wait for the time. I feel it in my soul; a sense of not belonging; here, on Earth.
And now, I am in Germany.
In an email to a friend, I described my life as if I were in the magical world of Narnia. My life as an MK has been special, almost magical in the things I experienced 'on the other side of the ocean'; my life was lived there. I grew up there; it's all I know. And then, suddenly I'm thrown back into the 'real world'; the world where I'm expected to be in by society. And it is different; but the right perspective and positive attitude is so important. I must realise that the culture here is different... it is not like Africa; but it's like where I am and it will be my home. My new life has begun; the Lord has blessed me already in countless ways... I pray that when my time goes to leave this life behind; perhaps a new chapter or a calling home, that these memories will be mixed in with the amazing memories from Africa.